It’s funny to me that i’ve been somehow trying to convince myself that I’m back to life as normal. The truth is i haven’t run, read my books, or journaled or blogged for three weeks. I’m not the same as i was. I know i don’t need to be, but i’m not totally ready to accept it.
Three weeks ago i was really high on life. Whether it was work, sports, running, or relationships, i had something to be excited about. Having had two wonderful retreats with my students, enjoyed many visits with friends from out of town, enjoying spring campfires with great friends, and watching exciting news about all of my favorite sports teams. I was training for a half-marathon and felt like i was going to run a better race than i had previously. All these things suddenly held significantly less meaning.
I can, in reflection, see how numb i’ve been, but still i don’t know exactly what to do about it. Some days i feel very equipped to understand and celebrate life, and other days i feel that I’m drinking the dregs of life and am not sure when a heartfelt smile will come again.
Ups and Downs, that’s how life goes right? C.S. Lewis said that undulation (a wave pattern) is really the way of all things. From our spirituality to even our closest relationships. There are highs and lows and to take all these in, well that’s life. Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. For everything there is a season. I am in a season of loss. And I’m learning to be okay with it, asking my emotions to help me understand them and what they want from me. To not ignore them, but asking them to not overwhelm me.
I remember hearing that Rob Dougan was dealing with some personal loss while making his album Furious Angels. I knew that it could be felt in the music. Today i feel the music even more deeply and am reminded of traveling to Chicago Bulls games. A song called Clubbed to Death was on the CD i would play on the way to games and played it when Ben went with me to a Bulls game. The song is very intense and is played usually during time outs of the game to get people excited and bring them into the passion of the game. I never heard the pain in the song till now.
I really hope that people that read this blog won’t feel like I’m becoming a downer. Know that my blogs won’t always be melancholy, but for today, I needed to express some of my sadness as a way to continue to grow and heal. Life will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean that life will always feel like this.
Today, I put back on my running shoes…