Tag Archives: C.S. Lewis

Life as normal.

 

It’s funny to me that i’ve been somehow trying to convince myself that I’m back to life as normal. The truth is i haven’t run, read my books, or journaled or blogged for three weeks. I’m not the same as i was. I know i don’t need to be, but i’m not totally ready to accept it. 

Three weeks ago i was really high on life. Whether it was work, sports, running, or relationships, i had something to be excited about. Having had two wonderful retreats with my students, enjoyed many visits with friends from out of town, enjoying spring campfires with great friends, and watching exciting news about all of my favorite sports teams. I was training for a half-marathon and felt like i was going to run a better race than i had previously. All these things suddenly held significantly less meaning. 

I can, in reflection, see how numb i’ve been, but still i don’t know exactly what to do about it. Some days i feel very equipped to understand and celebrate life, and other days i feel that I’m drinking the dregs of life and am not sure when a heartfelt smile will come again. 

Ups and Downs, that’s how life goes right? C.S. Lewis said that undulation (a wave pattern) is really the way of all things. From our spirituality to even our closest relationships. There are highs and lows and to take all these in, well that’s life. Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. For everything there is a season. I am in a season of loss. And I’m learning to be okay with it, asking my emotions to help me understand them and what they want from me. To not ignore them, but asking them to not overwhelm me. 

I remember hearing that Rob Dougan  was dealing with some personal loss while making his album Furious Angels. I knew that it could be felt in the music. Today i feel the music even more deeply and am reminded of traveling to Chicago Bulls games. A song called Clubbed to Death was on the CD i would play on the way to games and played it when Ben went with me to a Bulls game. The song is very intense and is played usually during time outs of the game to get people excited and bring them into the passion of the game. I never heard the pain in the song till now. 

I really hope that people that read this blog won’t feel like I’m becoming a downer. Know that my blogs won’t always be melancholy, but for today, I needed to express some of my sadness as a way to continue to grow and heal. Life will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean that life will always feel like this.

Today, I put back on my running shoes…
photo

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under My Journey, Running

Tearful performance.

I’m reading a book called Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer and tonight I’m absolutely crying. I mean I’m not much of a crier, you won’t probably ever see me cry. Don’t let that fool you though, I’m a softy, and I do cry often when reading books or watching movies alone. Well, actually even then I don’t cry often, but I definitely tear up and get a little emotional. I’m not bragging that I don’t cry in front of people, I know that it’s the machismo culture that men have been brought up in that makes me this way. I’m fully aware that crying is not a sign of weakness and there are several men that I admire that I see cry often at sentimental moments, but still it’s engrained  in me to not cry easily in front of others. I know it’s silly.

Anyways, tonight I was really hit by a story that Jim shared about a young woman who was sitting in the library with her father as he read her a book. She was an angelically beautiful young woman who had cerebral palsy. He talked about how she sat with her face against her father’s shoulder, enamored as he read to her. By no fault of her own, she can’t express to her father all that she feels in the ways that a typical child would, yet by her father’s actions, it is clear that he adores her and loves to be with her. It’s a beautiful picture and I believe Jim’s point was that the father’s love for his daughter has nothing to do with what the daughter can or cannot do. He related this to the fact that so many people are caught up with trying to “perform” for God instead of loving God and loving others.

I wonder how long I will keep trying to perform for God before I realize that what God really wants is for me to just live life in love with Him. I believe we will bring more of the kingdom of God to this world out of response of living in love then in trying to perform for him. When will I ever realize that there is nothing I can do to make God love me more?

C.S. Lewis expresses it like this in Mere Christianity.  There’s a story where a child asks his father for a sixpence to buy his father a gift. The father gives the son the money and is happy with the gift that he gets. But he realizes that he’s not any richer, because he gave the child the money in the first place. It’s a reminder that we can never really “do” anything for God. He has made us, and we are just to live in response to that love, by loving God and loving others.  I’m done trying to perform.

love_is_blind_

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Faith, My Journey

weddings and funerals

223There was a funeral for a 17 year old boy today. It was a shock to the community, and really caused me to sit and reflect some today. Funerals often do that to me. My friend Scott says that there are two things that you should never miss if possible, weddings and funerals. I think it has something to do with celebration of life. All this got me thinking about life and actually more about death. Another friend of mine speaking of tragic times used to say “I don’t know how people get through these times if they don’t believe in God”.

I found myself thinking, how my life might be different if I didn’t believe in God. What would be different about the way I live and experience things? I don’t know if I can answer that question honestly right now. C.S. Lewis asked how we might respond if as we died we heard God’s undeniable voice say something like ‘I can’t do anything for you, I die now’, would that be a time for switching sides? I believe what he was ask was if we found out that there was no heaven and no hell, and that we weren’t going to spend eternity with God, would that be a time for giving up on our faith. Would I really look back on my life and say ‘I missed out’? I think I’d still be happy with the way I’ve lived my life, because I believe that my faith has caused me to be a more reflective and caring person. It has caused me to listen to the wisdom of Socrates that the unexamined life is not worth living. When it would be easy to be all about myself, my faith has caused me to reach beyond myself and when I’d like to just be happy where I am, my faith has helped me to continue to grow and not never cease to search for faith, hope and love.

Usually when I write I have a purpose or point, I’m not sure I do tonight. I just wanted to get some thoughts out there. Life is precious and today I was reminded to make the most of it.

4 Comments

Filed under Faith